Language of the personal finance bully
Frugal Dad wrote an interesting post about language typically used by the “perpetually poor”, as he calls them. And, well, he’s got a point that oftentimes we argue for our own limitations. (I’ve read Richard Bach’s Illusions and got a lot out of it–if you haven’t read it, you should. Famous proverb from the book: “Argue for your limitations and they are yours.”) However, once again the vultures came out of the woodwork to prance about showing off how enlightened and special they are while tearing down anyone they perceive as inferior to themselves.
The sad part is I don’t think they even know what the hell they are talking about. The truth is they’re coming off as bullies, and since they presumably are writing to help others navigate the world of personal finance, I think “bully” is the last impression anyone wants to give if their self-image is that of a helper.
What do I mean by “coming off as bullies”? Hm. Let’s see.
Criticizing others for complaining. In my observations and my own personal experience, when someone complains, it is because they either can’t do anything about their problem or they don’t know what to do about their problem. I have noted that when someone knows they are capable of solving a problem, they go ahead and solve it rather than waste time whining about it. This is true even of people typically branded as whiners.
Take me, I’m the world’s biggest crybaby sometimes when things go wrong in my life–but if I’m hungry and there’s food in the pantry, gosh-darn it, I eat! If I’m cold, I put on a sweater or turn on the heat. If my child has hurt herself I comfort her. I don’t just sit around going, “I’m hungry… I’m cold… My baby just hurt herself…” and do nothing about it.
Heck, I just had a migraine for most of yesterday. What did I do? Took some medicine and got on with my day. I still complained about it because all I can do is take meds–I have no control over whether they always work perfectly, and this time they didn’t, so I was still hurting. But I had taken some small action to do something about the problem as well.
Don’t assume that just because someone’s complaining, they’re being lazy and unproductive about their problem. For all you know they have exhausted their own resources and the complaining is a cry for help and/or advice. Which leads me to:
Assuming that because someone is worse off than you, it’s because they’re lazy. It must take some staggering amount of arrogance to come to this conclusion about someone about which you know nothing, someone whom you’ve only encountered through a news story (yeah, we all know reporters are completely fair and unbiased, and even if they’re not, their editors surely are!) or a blog comment on the Internet. If you’ve never met a certain poor person in person, you don’t know jack about their situation and are certainly not qualified to comment on their character.
Even if you know the person and see them every day, it is amazing the amount of denial people will indulge in rather than admit that a friend or family member of theirs is grappling with a serious problem such as mental illness or addiction. While there is a certain amount of personal autonomy involved in both these conditions, there is also a certain amount of involuntary behavior involved. Speaking as someone who has suffered varying degrees of mental illness, I can attest to this. Sometimes you just go through motions and you don’t really understand why.
Furthermore, laziness should not be confused with lack of productivity. There are lots of productive people out there who take the lazy route and try to figure out the easiest, most efficient way to do something. This is normal human behavior. (For that matter, it’s standard practice in nature–look up the principles of permaculture sometime.) And sometimes a person just can’t figure out what to do with themselves–possibly due to mental illness or addiction, possibly due to some other factor–and they’re trying to get along in life with as little hassle as possible. If their behavior isn’t affecting you, don’t worry about it. If it is, seek help. Don’t just sit around complaining about them being lazy, which is really funny coming from someone who doesn’t like complainers in the first place!
Pulling the “welfare queen” card. What in the world is it about women below a certain income threshold who stay home to take care of their kids that arouses the ire of just about every personal finance blogger in the Western hemisphere? These same people often write about how great it would be if they (if they’re moms) or their wives (if they’re the dads) could afford to stay home with their own kids. Why do we believe it’s a good thing to stay home with the kids? Because we love our kids and we want to do our jobs as parents and help them grow up right. What makes you think a low-income mom doesn’t have the same desire for her own children?
“But this welfare mother I know just sits around on her butt watching soap operas and letting her kids run wild,” you sputter. You know what you sound like? People who criticize middle-class stay-at-home moms for supposedly… sitting around on their butts eating bonbons, watching soap operas, and letting their kids run wild. It’s the oldest propaganda game in the book. OK, I’m exaggerating a little bit, but I really am tired of hearing it. Even Betty Friedan, bless her heart–and I’m a feminist–once claimed that boys turned homosexual because their mothers stayed home. People love to slam stay-at-home moms. Toss in the fact they’re being supported by tax dollars instead of men’s paychecks and you have quite the volatile mix for a socio-economic rant-fest.
The best part is when people say welfare moms should “get a job” or “go to work,” as though raising children were no trouble or work whatsoever. I think any personal finance blogger who utters this drivel should be sentenced to six months at hard labor chasing two-year-old triplets around the house while keeping it clean enough that, should Child Protective Services be dispatched to the residence due to unusual noises, they will not immediately remove the children from the home. And I wish you the best of luck.
Setting themselves up as representative of the universal human experience. I don’t think I even need to elaborate on this one; we’ve all seen it. “I’ve worked my way out of a homeless shelter in less than six months with my parents’ credit card in my back pocket and good college English at my disposal, so nobody should be homeless!” This is like the ultimate distillation of every other bullying tactic I’ve gone over here. If you’ve ever uttered any variation on “I’ve done X so anyone can do it,” you are immediately disqualified as a personal finance blogger and you may feel free to go work triple shifts at McDonald’s under an irate welfare-to-work mother who hasn’t seen her kids in two weeks.
If you are in the blogosphere to help people, you are not about to accomplish that mission by being a condescending jerk. If your fans step up and defend you by claiming that you have helped them, they probably didn’t need the help to begin with. Or not your kind anyway; I can’t speak to their possible need for intensive intervention before they lose any chance they have left at developing a conscience and a sense of empathy.
The blogosphere can do so much better than this. I know it. You know it. Let’s make it happen.
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June 4th, 2008 at 12:12 am
Did you catch the post about reading comprehension? FrugalDad was not attacking people who stay home via Welfare to raise small children, or those who make well below the poverty level yet still try their best. He is specifically discussing the attitudes that keep people of ALL income levels from building any savings, paying off debts, and paying their bills responsibly. People on welfare so that they can go to college without starving their children, that’s an acceptable use of the system. Blowing one’s Pell grant on bedroom furniture (when they already had a mattress set and dresser) is not acceptable. Or someone making minimum wage who feels entitled to $20 manicures and then not having money for the laundromat. Maybe you should try the “college English” classes yourself. Also, the homes where, sure, the adults are women, but there’s MORE THAN ONE in the home! so the other(s) don’t need to stay home with the kids,too. That was an interesting case–the oldest child didn’t like going to school because she was older than everyone else, so her mom let her stay home-guess who got held back AGAIN. Yes, the Blogosphere can help change the world for the better, but not when people get on their high horse criticizing the wrong folks for the wrong crimes.
June 4th, 2008 at 9:04 am
Hi Sam! You’re about two weeks too late to make an argument about this, by my lights, especially when you’re not engaging in that much-vaunted English comprehension yourself. Read the first paragraph again. If you ever come back and see I’ve responded to you, that is.
I don’t think half the *commenters* understood FD’s basic point. Because everywhere I looked it was nothing but attitude about “those” people and the “bad” decisions they MUST be making or they wouldn’t still be poor.
And I don’t just see this stuff at FD’s blog. I see it everywhere in the PF blogosphere. Maybe you don’t see it, but then, maybe you share those attitudes. Imagine.
June 4th, 2008 at 9:04 am
By the way, while I’m ashamed to say I’ve only finished one quarter in community college thus far, the one quarter I completed WAS college English. Got an A.