Archive for the ‘Health’ Category:
Various and sundry or, An Update
I apologize profusely that I have not been writing regularly. I’ve been feeling very blocked lately and it’s been something of an effort to even write in my personal blog and I’m not doing very well with that either. This represents me making a conscious effort to put something here today that is more substantive than bragging about my Google ranking or reporting how much I weigh. Hopefully the logjam will be removed soon.
Site design and content issues
I really, really need to work on these. The logo looks amateurish and the pages are outdated and the latter don’t really say what I want them to say at this point, either. I am not sure when I will be able to concentrate on working on this stuff so if the appearance of this blog annoys you, your patience will be greatly appreciated. I haven’t gotten any complaints yet, including links from other blogs saying stuff like “Wow, get a load of how much this blog sucks,” but maybe my readers are just polite.
Health issues
I still have no self-control about what I eat. OK, that’s not entirely true. I have some control, but not enough. Some days I keep my eating fairly low-carb, and others I don’t. It doesn’t help that I feel like I’m being sort of swept along with someone else’s day, like I live only to wait until they get off work and then according to their dictates. Even my grocery shopping hinges entirely on them and I’m kind of sick of it. But this is one of those aggravations I just have to live with for now, and I don’t think it entirely explains why I can’t seem to stay on plan, even a half-assed plan.
Housing issues
Still sort of apartment-hunting, although I feel as blocked about that as I do about blogging. I’m afraid I won’t be able to get a place, which makes it really dumb that I’m not trying hard enough, which guarantees I won’t get a place. However, rumors that landlords are tightening their standards around here are not helping my mood any. Yet one more reason to roll my eyes every time I hear someone complaining because they bought too much house and now they have to rent because the bank foreclosed. You’re taking my potential home, dude–I can’t buy a house at all. Cry me a river.
Money issues
I have at least caught up my cell phone bill and still have $300 in the account of the $400 I got last Wednesday, and most of the $100 decrease was due to catching up the cell phone*. I need to plow through and catch up as much else as I possibly can today, and somehow manage it without spending all my laundry money. Sigh.
I just checked out a whole bunch of library books about starting and running a home-based business. I remarked to my little girl’s dad that I don’t know why anyone buys chintzy e-books off the Internet that tell them maybe one-millionth of what they need to know for a tenth of their rent money when they can just go to the library for free. He reminded me that our library system probably ranks in the top ten of United States public libraries and maybe even in the top five. Still, there’s interlibrary loan. And of course, just because we check out books doesn’t mean we’ll learn from them. It’ll be interesting to see if I find the time to glean anything useful from these books before I have to return them.
Meanwhile I also job-hunt but… yeah. Still hung up about putting my daughter in preschool. I think at this point that if I do it, it’ll be Waldorf because at least they won’t treat her like a miniature computer on legs. And the only reason I’d do it is at least she could be around kids and get a lot of playtime in, and not be hung up on the TV all day. It wouldn’t be because I thought it was her only option for getting an education, like so many parents seem to think. But it’s my absolute last option, and I’ll hold out as long as I can. I’m also hung up about not being employable. It doesn’t really matter at this point whose fault it is; I’d be just as unemployable after four years’ unemployment due to disability as I am after four years opting to stay out after years of job-hopping and impulsive behavior. (I.e., quitting at the drop of a hat because I didn’t like working somewhere.) What matters is whether I’d be able to pick up the slack if something happened to my little girl’s dad. Yes, she’d be entitled to Social Security**, but it wouldn’t kick in immediately and we could be evicted in the meantime.
There’s also the point that I still need to pay off my debt and start working feverishly to ensure that I’m not destitute in retirement. Hello? McFly? *knocks own head*
Relationship issues
Something… interesting is happening. I do not wish to label it for fear that all is not as it seems, but there’s also the point that the last time I was this mistrustful about this particular person, I lost him for thirteen and a half years. So I’m trying to be patient and hang loose and just wait to see what happens. I’m better at this than I was even five years ago, so I suppose there is something to be said for extreme relationship adversity when it forges you and makes you stronger. But I’m still not totally OK with the way things are going. We’ll just have to see how they play out.
I do know that he called a week or two ago and my little girl’s dad was here and didn’t even tell me the phone rang (it was one call out of many, so ultimately it didn’t hurt anything, but still), and my little girl’s dad has said a few other things that make me wonder what his take is on this whole situation. So I may get to deal with ugliness soon. On top of that I had a mean jealous streak about five miles wide in the immediate aftermath of his and my breakup, exacerbated by post-partum depression and worry that he was going to abandon our daughter like he abandoned me. It meant that every time I saw a woman being friendly to him online, I got snarly at him about it. I’m pretty sure I’m going to hear about this any day now, even though the situation is different. (And it really is. That’s the sad part.)
It makes me think there is some wisdom after all to setting up a certain distance between unmarried parents so that each can have their own life. Although if things had gone sanely and smoothly during the pregnancy and after, even if they had still resulted in him and me not being together, I think I would feel a lot better about the traditional visitation routine. But my daughter was too young for that kind of thing anyway. Babies and toddlers need to be with their mothers, assuming no abuse or neglect is going on. They’re not ready to visit with an absent dad for more than a few hours here and there until they’re at least three years old. Still, she’s three now.
And yet I hate it when she’s not here. I feel completely wrong and lost and don’t know what to do with myself. I mean, I do find things to do, like clean house, but the place is empty and I feel empty too. And I’m hardly going to send her off just so I can date or whatever. So it’ll be interesting figuring this out.
OK, I guess I had more to say than I thought. Let’s hope it is not another week before I post again. 
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*My cell phone is my primary phone and I have no landline. In fact I had my original landline number ported to my cell phone and completely switched over back in 2006. It would be a better deal to have a bare-bones landline and DSL rather than a cell phone and cable Internet–assuming I didn’t use much long distance. These days, unfortunately, I have to use long distance if I want to talk to anyone besides my little girl’s dad, because most of my loved ones and some of my best friends are not online regularly or don’t write well. So as long as most of my conversations take place on nights and weekends, I think I’m still saving money.
**Oh, but Social Security is just a failed retirement program and we should replace it with the stock market. Whatevs. *eyeroll*
Body to-do list
I have been ruminating for several days about specific steps I need to take to make progress in a few areas of my life, and right now I seem to be obsessing most about health, fitness, and appearance. There are reasons for that I won’t go into here except to say that I am also doing this for myself, ha ha (no, seriously, I am, and you could say that my own outlook is the biggest reason for this), but I’m feeling more driven than usual to address these areas of my life.
I’m still low-carbing, although I am not following strict Atkins. Some things I have been reading about how human beings might have originally eaten and about the health and ecological costs of grain agriculture lead me to believe it doesn’t really matter how much carbohydrate I re-introduce into my life, anyway, and I’m not convinced that staying in ketosis would be a bad thing in the long run–nor keeping my intake below 40g net carbs most days, for that matter. As revolutionary as Dr. Atkins was for his time, I think he still subscribed overly much to mainstream attitudes about diet and health. I won’t go any farther than that, but that’s where I’m at where he and the diet are concerned. In any case, I think I’ve finally driven the point home for myself that I should not ever eat a high-carb diet again.
I need exercise. Desperately. I’m realizing that my body is crying out to move but I’m not precisely sure how to go about that other than walking; I still have a residual attitude problem about having to work hard physically at seemingly pointless activities. Specifically, I still hate push-ups. I learned recently that the much-vaunted bodyweight exercises promoted by some bodybuilders are nothing more than exercises like push-ups, sit-ups, jumping jacks, and similar which those of us who did phys ed in grade school or went into the military have done and are familiar with. I hated them then and I hate them now, but unless I can get around to affording a gym or even my own set of free weights and a bench, they’re what I have. So now I get to talk myself into them.
I do, however, want to acquire the new Callanetics videos. One of them has cardio elements to it and there is some debate in hardcore exercise circles about whether cardio really is good for you, but I think it would help me with cardio endurance even if it served no other good purpose, so I’m going to get it anyway. I have a couple of dance videos in the meantime and we’ll see how that goes or if I keep avoiding them because I feel like a huge klutz when I’m following them. In any case they won’t sculpt things for me like the Callanetics exercises will, and that’s what I’m mostly after.
And clothes. Man. I hate seeing photos of myself because I used to dress sort of nicely some of the time, and I never do anymore, and I always wear these huge t-shirts that look like tents on me, and the pants aren’t much better. I need a few bras; I haven’t worn one in years and I don’t have the silhouette, as it were, to be going around without it. I also need shoes; I’ve got one pair that isn’t worn the heck out and I would like another pair of sneakers as well as a couple pairs of dressier shoes (but not heels, please!) and perhaps a pair of boots. And the clothes. Dear God. I did mention the clothes, yes? Good. From now on I am imposing a moratorium on myself against any more t-shirts for a while. When I get done losing this weight I’ll reconsider, and then only if it’s something novelty like some weird thing I find on CafePress or Zazzle, or maybe Northern Sun. I’ve been looking at plus-size catalogs and have decided I like tunics best, which is like a fancy t-shirt, but there’s more shape to it and they come in prettier colors. I also suddenly like A-line dresses, which I thought I could get a few shorter ones and wear them over leggings, perhaps with lace edging. And I’ll figure out other stuff. And I need to figure out how to do all this and not go broke. I already know where to find cheaper bras that will suffice until I have to get a different size; when I’m done losing weight I’ll get some really good ones that will last me several years.
I’m way behind on grooming, too. I’m lucky if I wash my face and brush my hair most days. That’s got to change. My skin is trashed because I don’t bathe every day; if I got in the shower every day and used the loofah, my pores wouldn’t get so clogged by keratin. My hair gets greasy and then it’s hide it under stupid hats. I haven’t shaved in years, and part of me doesn’t quite care, but I might start again just for a change of habit. Anyway it helps me feel a bit less freakish. And oh God, do I ever need a haircut. I want something about shoulder-length or slightly longer that’s more flattering to my face and that I don’t have to wear off my neck all the time because it’s too hot. I’ve looked good in layers in the past and as I think they’re currently in style, I may do that again.
If I were going to establish some sort of order in which to do these things it might look something like this:
1. Weight loss: ongoing
2. Exercise: Will be ongoing
3. Bathe more often & shave: Will be ongoing, I hope
4. Bras
5. Haircut
6. Shoes
7. New wardrobe
Although I could at least start getting some basic items for #7 all along if I can get the money together to do so.
Oh, and I also need to deal with health concerns, and I’m not sure how I will go about doing that yet. I intend to apply for Medicaid again soon because there is a Healthy Families program here in Ohio for which I think I qualify but it would be a stopgap in case I got hurt or seriously sick, so I don’t wind up bankrupt over medical bills. I don’t think it would work very well for maintenance healthcare. I’ll see what else I can manage, and at least I might have someone now who can periodically watch my child during the day so I can get these things done.
It might be interesting to label this a Body Project and see how far I can get with it, complete with photos. I need to do some kind of series project to keep people reading, anyway.
I love being proven right.
In the process of reading about low-carb dieting, I recalled some of what I learned in high school honors biology about glucose metabolism. It helped me put together what else I was reading in the same vein about prediabetes/Syndrome X, diabetes, and obesity. Along with this I remembered what I’d been told all my life, that bodyfat is just a way of storing excess energy in case of famine.
All these factors came together in my mind and the lightbulb came on. I thought, Why is obesity being blamed for disease? Fat is just energy storage. Why would it make us sick when it’s there to save our lives?
I decided that the reason obesity has been statistically correlated with things like heart disease and cancer must be that it is sometimes a symptom of health conditions that themselves lead to heart disease and cancer. I felt my position was bolstered, too, by the strong connection between diabetes and heart disease and also diabetes and obesity, and by the fact that cancer cells need more glucose than normal cells do. (This has been a long-understood fact, although researchers did not understand why–do a search for cancer cells and glucose on Google and all sorts of stuff pops up.) Well, it’s like having a severe allergic reaction. Itching in itself doesn’t kill you, but might be a sign of something else that will. Think along those lines.
So anyway, it turns out that two years ago, research emerged that proved me right: diabetes, not obesity, causes death. Score another one for allopathic Western medical practice and its longstanding tradition of treating symptoms instead of disease!
Now, before any Fat Acceptance folks come along and start crowing (if you haven’t seen this already), this doesn’t exactly let you off the hook, because you’ve been telling fat people for years that nobody ever needs to change their dietary habits if they’re fat. Fat people should be able to eat whatever they want no matter what, you proclaim. *bzzt* Wrong! Their obesity still isn’t the central problem, but someone who is overweight NEEDS to get a health workup to discover the cause(s) of their obesity. It’s not as simple as “get up off the couch and get some exercise”–something is going on. If their obesity is related to insulin resistance, which is what leads to type 2 diabetes, they need to change their eating habits permanently. That’s not saying fat people are bad, it’s saying diabetes is bad and should be prevented where necessary. You aren’t the one who’s going to need the dialysis, the seeing-eye dog and the foot amputations, so go preach to your bathroom mirror.
Now here’s one more area in which the medical community needs to get a clue: they’ve discovered that some cancer cells immediately die when deprived of glucose. Now they’re saying they need to develop drugs to take advantage of this, but that the drugs can’t cross the blood-brain barrier, because “the central nervous system… needs glucose to function properly.” Oh, really? This ranks right up there with the medical community’s efforts to come up with a satiety drug when all you have to do to feel full is eat enough fat and cut back your sugars and starches. Now they want to drug a cancer to starve it when low-carb eating is a possible alternative. Can we stop re-inventing the wheel now, please? Because it’s rolling over entirely too many people.
Low-carbing progress
I weighed in this morning and was at 226. It is not Wednesday so I’m not going to categorize this as an official weigh-in. I’ve been having some… interesting symptoms, so it may be hormones. If it is it’ll go away in another few days–I may show a net loss by the middle of next week. Also, I’m still in ketosis so I must be doing something right. I also have not been eating as much as I could or should have from day to day, so another possibility is my body’s going “OMG STARVATION!” and holding on to my stores… who knows. We’ll see.
Meanwhile, last night, I had pizza. And that’s not why I gained. *laugh* I tried this cauliflower pizza crust, and if you can get fat on cauliflower, shoot, I give up. 
And it’s not nearly as bad as it sounds. My little girl’s dad said it made him think of quiche. It did hold together well enough to pick the pizza up but I think it would have done better still had I used my pizza pan with the holes in it. We’ll do that next time. I’m a little worried the crust will “leak” through the holes as I’m spreading it out on the pan but I don’t know that it will be much of a problem.
But… Pizza! I can have pizza! How cool is that? And I don’t have to make it out of a hamburger crust or use that weird wheat gluten stuff, either! (Which is just as well, because too much wheat seems to make my daughter nutso!)
I’ve begun contemplating scheduling out what kind of a dinner we have every night of the week and it is not unreasonable to anticipate a Pizza Night now.
On top of that, I found Sugar-Free Sheila via Cleochatra’s site yesterday (thanks, sweetie!). I had been wanting to do something yummy with canned pumpkin and heavy cream and Splenda but wasn’t looking forward to the experimentation because I’m already running around broke and don’t want to potentially waste food. Well, she’s already done it, only with cream cheese. Oh heck yeah. And a whole lot of other interesting things as well.
I will look nothing like her when I get done with my weight loss phase. My skin’s been stretched out like whoa by two pregnancies and a sudden, huge amount of weight gain after my second child’s birth. (They say exclusive nursing helps you lose weight–yeah, right! Only if you are not a hormonal mutant like me. Not that you shouldn’t do it anyway, I’m kind of strong-minded about the subject, but that’s another matter.) So I’ll probably wind up bearing a vague resemblance to a Shar Pei puppy. Not as hairy, though.
That bothers me. I don’t need to be the cute blonde in a bikini but I’d like to be the cute thirtysomething brunette in the altogether when the situation calls for it. So I’m going to see what I can do just with muscle toning and a little bodybuilding (not now, but hopefully soon) and whether getting into better shape that way will compensate. I’m sure it will help somewhat, I just don’t know right now how much difference it will make. I’ll have to lose the weight and see what’s left over.
And if being in shape isn’t enough, I have another option–I can get the stretched parts of my skin removed. That is going to be the absolute last option. MRSA is becoming a serious issue in hospitals, possibly killing more people annually than AIDS does. Surgery can be botched. I would probably wind up taking on debt to do it since it’s usually not covered by insurance. So I have to seriously think about whether it is really worth stoking my vanity with so much at risk.
And it’s possible my answer will be No. In that case looking like a melting mutant may make a fantastic screening device for the people in my life or coming into my life: if you think I’m gross because I started taking care of myself and lost a lot of weight, if I embarrass you or I’m a turnoff, then I don’t have time for your garbage because you wouldn’t have liked me fat either–and even if you would have, I was unhealthier then, so you don’t like me healthy either. That’s what I would have to think because, speaking from very recent experience, it’s kind of painful to hang around feeling rejected, and I don’t want to waste half my life going through that again. and again. and again. You know, I already have, almost. That’s a shame.
I’m still young, though. It could be that I’ll come through this all right, only looking slightly “off.” We’ll just have to see. The question isn’t holding me back from continuing with this, that’s for sure!
Gearing up for weight loss and healthier eating
The Tuttle Park recreation center is noted, at least in my mind, for its soda machine that sells 20oz bottles for a dollar–a pretty good deal around here, if you’re going to buy a twenty-ounce bottle of soda. There’s just one problem: they have regular Mountain Dew but not Diet Dew, and I despise Diet Pepsi, the one diet soda in that machine. So I grabbed a regular Dew yesterday while we were at the park, then nursed it for a while because:
1. I am still not used to drinking large quantities of what pretty much constitutes fizzy sugar syrup. I was afraid it would make me sick on top of the migraine.
2. I don’t like the taste of corn syrup nearly as much as I once tolerated it. The Splenda/Nutrasweet/Ace-K sweetener combination that PepsiCo now uses for their Diet Mountain Dew is, as far as I’m concerned, a massive improvement over the regular label.
3. I’ve been reading low-carb blogs and diabetes articles again over the last couple of days and am now massively paranoid that I’m going to destroy my health with this stuff. With good cause, of course–the dangers of excessive carb consumption are way understated by most “experts,” and carb overconsumption has already left me a wreck–but still.
I mean, I drank it anyway, but it took me several hours. I suppose it could have been worse. I think what helped was that all I had for dinner was a burger patty with cheese and then a steak after that–virtually no carbs at all. I also woke up without a headache, so it all worked out in the end, but I don’t ever want to do that again.
I weighed myself this morning (I’ll do a separate weigh-in post) and was pleasantly surprised that the past several weeks of excessive fast food and the occasional ice cream or milkshake had not completely blown me out of the water. On the other hand, who knows? Maybe it’s a down-tick because Aunt Flo just came for a visit last week, or maybe I’m in the beginning stages of that “unexplained weight loss” they talk about as a symptom of diabetes. I really have no idea what is going on and I can’t afford a glucose-tolerance test, so I’m just going to have to approach this with all possible explanations in mind.
So I’m upping the ol’ fat intake and starting to cut the carbs to finish out this week, and I guess I’ll probably go into Atkins Induction this weekend. I say “I guess” because I suppose it’ll depend on how well I stand up to stupid temptations. I do way too much rationalizing and not enough looking out for my own welfare. My recent experience with Eddy tells me I have the potential to seriously turn this around, because even a year ago I would have kept obsessing over him and let him lead me around by the nose for a while and now I’ve cut that short before it began, so I have more hope for the outcome of this new weight-loss attempt than I would have had otherwise.
I at least want my gut to go away. Is that so much to ask? Sigh.
Meanwhile I have another challenge to deal with: my daughter is becoming entirely too fond of junk herself. Popsicles are her especial weakness. If I don’t watch it she’s going to wind up struggling someday just like me.
A child her age needs high-calorie, nutrient-dense food because she has a small tummy that fills quickly. She also needs fat in her diet because her nervous system is still developing. It amazes me that nutritional “experts” want little kids to eat like small adults. Never mind that the diet they recommend for adults isn’t so healthy either.
I read recently that a daycare center in the UK was found to be malnourishing the children in its care because they were feeding the children too many fruits and vegetables! You wouldn’t think it’d be possible, but if you think about it, that’s a lot of bulk for too few calories. While fruits and veggies are fantastic sources of micronutrients (i.e., vitamins and minerals), they’re a terrible source of the macronutrients we need to maintain our bodies–they are generally low in fat, protein, and carbohydrates. Considering that many of the micronutrients you find in plant foods are also found in more nutrient-dense foods (i.e., meat, eggs, full-fat dairy), little kids need more bang for the buck with each bite they take.
So I am trying to figure this out. I don’t think that feeding my child a lower-carb, higher-fat diet would cause weight loss; I think it only causes weight loss in people with excess bodyfat. If you don’t have extra weight to lose, all it’s going to do is allow you to maintain your body in a healthy way–the whole point of eating food in the first place.
The irony is that a lot of the time she doesn’t want the junk food. Even when we go to a fast food place because she wants to “climb” (i.e., play on the playground equipment), I don’t think she ever finishes her meal, and sometimes she barely touches it. If I fix something at home that is more or less whole foods and relatively low-carb, however, she tends to eat it up as long as she is in the mood for the specific foods I give her. Her weakness seems to involve sweet treats, especially anything involving ice cream or popsicles, and sometimes cookies.
So I need to figure out a hack for that which would let her enjoy her favorite treats occasionally without blowing her out of the water nutritionally. I already have a nifty little ice cream maker where you stick a metal insert in the freezer and then throw in the ingredients when it’s cold; that would be a big help. I could just throw in heavy cream and berries and bam, she’ll have something good. I think I also want to find one of those Tupperware popsicle-making sets and put it to use, perhaps freezing berry smoothie for her.
I also need to do a meal plan for myself and her because I’m not going to be able to sustain this in the long run if I have to keep flying by the seat of my pants to figure out what’s for dinner. If I keep it simple I’ll also keep it cheaper, as well. The not knowing what’s for dinner bit is exactly why we wind up eating so much fast food. It has to stop.
Well, she’s asking for a popsicle so let me go wrangle with her about that. Yay.
Having a little trouble
I’m feeling really blocked lately and I’m not sure if it’s a psychological symptom of something physical also being blocked in some way (I’m late and no, I don’t have to worry about that), or just me being cranky and extra-introverted with the hormones, or what. I did skip one day on my vitamins Saturday, but that’s all right, I did really well before that and I took them Sunday.
I need to catch up with my money-tracking, which has fallen behind a bit and if it falls behind any farther I’ll be in trouble. Then I need to post up the numbers to keep things above-table. (Or something like that. I’m horrible with clichés.) Then… yeah… I don’t know.
What’s been going on lately
Spring is here and my daughter’s trying to figure out her sleep schedule with the days getting longer and the sun coming up earlier than it has all winter. For my part, I’ve been falling asleep a lot with her lately and I can’t decide if it’s stress, bad nutrition, or some other factor, but the result is that I don’t get in a lot of writing time when I do it. Even when I stay up late I generally spend a lot of time reading various and sundry websites, but can’t seem to get my head together to write my own stuff. It’s been really frustrating.
I am trying to figure out my living situation, because I really don’t want to be in this neighborhood another year. OK, if I had either enough money to fix up this apartment (not only for my own sake but for whoever comes after) or enough money and income to buy a house on this part of the street, I would do it, because either way it would be an improvement on the current situation. Actually, I would love to get a house here, because even with the housing market doing what it’s doing this neighborhood is in transition and I’d make some serious equity at the end of it. Plus, y’know, the emotional attachment involved in the fact that this is the only home my daughter’s ever known, and it’s the first time I’ve had my own place since 2000, and so on. But we are not in a position to anchor down here right now, unfortunately.
Our options seem to be (1) move down to Louisiana, (2) move to a different area of town by ourselves, or (3) move in with her dad, and I have many reasons to not want to do the latter. But I have some good reasons to do any of the three options, as well, which makes this wonderfully confusing. For all values of “wonderful” equivalent to “OMFG.”
And I need to increase income and I’m afraid to try anything, expend the little bit of money I’d need to expend, and then fall on my face and lose it at the end. I have a decentish idea about becoming a direct sales rep again for this candle company I absolutely love (ironically, after I quit them over a year ago I burned through my candle supply and discovered how awesome their products really were!), and even have a notion what I’d call the business, but I’m afraid of failing in the current economic climate. Ditto for putting my energy into making things and selling them online, even though I used to love making things. Some days I want to just write for a living, and other days my hands swell up and my bones and joints get achy and then I think all the typing will kill my hands and that’s the last thing I want. They get swollen just washing dishes, no matter what the weather or the rest of my body is doing.
The job market… *shakes head* I had a pretty good idea about doing call center work from home but part of me still doesn’t want my child in daycare or preschool. At the same time she really loves being around kids and I’m kind of burnt out on the idea of socializing for myself, so I’m not sure how I’d do with a playgroup, especially having no car. On the other hand we have days like we had today where I just want to sell her to the next peddler who wanders by (OK, not really, but…), and I think how great it would be if we could get regular breaks from one another. And then I feel like crap for thinking something like that about my daughter. OK, I don’t think my universe should revolve around her, nor hers around mine so much, although I would not object to a somewhat close mother-daughter relationship, and I don’t think it is unhealthy for extended families to stay together even if that is not the American norm. But this thing we’ve got going on now, we both need to be around other people, and her need is more immediate than mine, I think.
I don’t knoooooowww…
However, I’m doing a better job keeping up with my finances, even if I am not always happy afterwards with what I do with them. I played around with a bare-bones copy of Quicken I won off somebody’s blog, and all I can say about it is that it’s very easy to split transactions; otherwise it’s not an improvement on GnuCash. I may turn around and give it away on my own blog; poor little CD-ROM’s gonna get a complex if it doesn’t find a home soon! (I can’t sell it, because it’s marked “not for resale.”)
I sent off a form to get my student loan rehab started. No word back on whether they will accept it, and I mailed the form to a local address. (It’s interesting living in the same town as at least two collection agencies who want money from me…) Great Lakes (the original lender) called me recently but I didn’t recognize the number. Now I have to get up the nerve to call them back, hahaha. Avoidance is exactly why I’ve gotten into so much trouble, and it’s a hard habit to kick. You thought I was going to say another word there, didn’t you, you closet Chicago fan?
One Children’s Hospital debt is now retired, thanks for nothing, Little Girl’s Dad. Now I figure out the other two. Hm. I may take the next four months and pay them in halves if I can swing it in the budget. If not, I’ll just have to pay them off in small chunks and they will just have to deal. The only reason I’m tackling them this early in the game in the first place is that as far as I know, they are not listed on my credit report yet and I’d like to keep it that way. Otherwise I’d be tackling everything except the student loan smallest amounts first, on up to largest. Can’t do that with the student loan, unfortunately; it’s still charging me interest!
I’m also squirreling away little bits of this and that for my savings account. Insert objection here that “you shouldn’t do that when you still have debts, they charge more interest than a savings account pays you,” blah-blah. This savings account pays more in interest than a regular passbook account at your average bank, one-point-something percent rather than less than one percent, but that’s really not even the point. Savings accounts are for emergency funds; they are not investment vehicles. I’m not doing this to get rich, I’m doing it so I have something to fall back on when my last grandparent dies, if I am not down there already. No more of having to go to my little girl’s dad with my hand out, or him having to ask ex-girlfriends or old high school buddies for loans.
But speaking of getting rich, I got The Millionaire Next Door
Speaking of millionaires, I found another book at the library about a guy who became a millionaire by the time he was thirty. I’m thinking about reviewing it here.
Well, my little girl’s home and nature calls. ‘Later.
Stress and worry re: current life situation; braindump
Things are kind of a jumble right now, so I will do my best to impart what is going on in my head without coming off as a complete lunatic–but bear with me, because I might not succeed. (Sorry.)
I have this thing about going along in a fog for a while and not really paying attention to where stuff is falling down in my life. This explains how I got over fifteen grand in debt in the first place and it explains a lot of other things too. Occasionally I go through a phase where the fallout from my past screwups* is staring me in the face. This is one of those times.
So, several things are staring at me all at once.
- I have finally gotten around to doing research on German cockroaches and it turns out that is exactly what I have in my apartment, mostly in the kitchen. They are the main indoor-only roach in most of the world. Many factors seem to contribute to them being here: water leakage from the pipes, gaps around the drainpipes where they go into the wall, other holes and gaps in various walls especially in the bathroom, food bits that get left out overnight and sometimes for days because I hate doing dishes and I put it off, the kitchen wall by the stove being food-spattered but hard to clean because the paint is also blistered and I’m afraid to disturb it because this building’s over thirty years old and I don’t know if it was ever lead-abated, and lots of clutter everywhere, and various cracks and crevices elsewhere not being sealed properly. Oh, it’s a mess. I can only fix some of it, and judging by the condition this place was in when I moved here, the landlords will never do their part.
- Thus I am worried about my daughter’s health in the long run. I actually have considered staying here at least another year because the rent is cheap and when you’re low-income, you are left making these kinds of compromises. She can live with a goopy kitchen sink. She can’t live with, potentially, bugs leaving crap in the bed (I wash the sheets regularly, but still) and carrying in viruses we haven’t encountered before, and some that make people really sick.
- I need a job, even a part-time one, if we are going to get out of here. I have an idea where we can go and we only need a little more income per month to get in there and to possibly have somewhat of a rent reduction from what I’m paying now. We’re already on the Section 8 list but if I were making more money, I wouldn’t need Section 8 and they could go ahead and lease to us.
- I need shoes, I need a work wardrobe (if there won’t be uniforms or casual dress code), I need a haircut, and I need dependable transportation if I am even going to interview, much less have a job by July.
- Alternately I could try to get work from home with West At Home Agent but I hear they are buggers to work for, I would have to work late at night when my daughter is sleeping (because other people might not be reliable to watch her), and the first time a customer on the phone heard her yelling or I had to end my call early, my job would be in jeopardy. She’s three, also, and not quite to the point that she groks “stay in bed and be quiet if you wake up in the night.” To say nothing of if she gets sick.
- I am having little nagging issues here and there with my health, aside from the overweight and the apparent metabolic syndrome, that I would really like to have looked at in the next six months. This includes an issue with my lower left quadrant (abdominal area) being vaguely achy off and on for years now. It’s gotten worse since Thea was born, and seems to intensify when it’s that time of the month, which makes me think I now have adhesions as well as whatever else was going on. Whatever it is, it worries me. I also get edema in odd places at inappropriate times, such as my fingers swelling after I do a load of dishes and then food prep. I would also like to get to a dentist sometime soon, which is slightly more feasible.
- My daughter’s not potty-trained yet. I worry that if I introduce a bunch of changes at once, she will take forever to toilet-train and possibly regress in other ways. We have her in speech therapy as it is for a speech delay. She is also unaccustomed to being around other children on a regular basis. I actually don’t care as much about this as some people might think I should because I believe children should be around people of a wide range of ages, not just shut up with a bunch of children their own age all day, but I know she enjoys playing with other little ones, and I would like to see her do it more often.
- My apartment, aside from the bug and maintenance issues, is a craphole. I swear I do not use over half the items I possess in these five rooms. Stuff has got to go. I keep thinking, “oh, I’ll sell it all,” and that never happens. I need to get this stuff gone on FreeCycle Real Soon Now. And then I need to turn this place upside down with a mop, a broom, lots of rags, a bucket, and copious amounts of all-purpose cleaner. And then the vacuum, and then the shampooer, and then some spot treatments in the big bedroom, and then more shampooer. Bleh.
Weirdly, now that I’ve come out and dumped all of that, it doesn’t look as bad as it felt. And it should feel bad, maybe, because I’m falling so short everywhere in my life. But there is surely some path I can take that would resolve these issues in a way that I could live with. I just wish I could figure out what it was.
Procrastination is a huge part of the problem. Thea being clingy and needing my attention because I’m the only other human being here is another part of the problem.
Hm. Thinking out loud… Maybe if I were to get her enrolled in the Waldorf preschool, because I’ve already looked at the rates there, and because they wouldn’t rush her into pottytraining if she regressed… If I could get the West At Home gig… I could work during the day when she wasn’t here? On top of that, the fact that I was employed and making an income, I could show that to the apartment community I mentioned previously and say, “Look, I have a job, here’s my income now,” and they would only count the income, not what I was spending it on, and maybe they would say “Oh yeah! Sure, we’ll lease to you,” problem solved?
But I would have to bust mah bee-hind. One of the debts I owe is an old phone bill. Get that paid off, call the phone company, get the landline set up (I could probably port my old phone number back), and try to get on with West in the next month or so… then if that falls through, at least I’d be spending less per month on phone service, since I would have had to get the most basic service anyway? Yeah… that doesn’t sound too egregious. I should also be able to get childcare assistance which would be a huge help. I don’t know what it will be worth, but I’ll apply for it.
The cool part is that if I pulled this off, right? I would be living just north of where the preschool’s located–a lot closer than I am to it now. Either way we could get there by bus, but a shorter ride’s better than a longer one.
…Yeah. It feels like gambling, but in order to pull this off, I would have to do it in steps anyway, so if one step didn’t go through, then I wouldn’t have to worry about it all falling down around my head. No biggie. I still have time.
Right, then. I have the money right now to go ahead and make that debt go away. That’s the first step. There will be a delay for the second step as I figure out when my cell contract ends; I believe it is in April, but that’s not long from now. After that, who knows? I could also contact the preschool while this is all going on, to see if they will have any openings this summer.
As for the health thing, I should still qualify for Healthy Families, Ohio’s health insurance program. I have misgivings about how good the care will actually be, but maybe I might get a doctor to listen to me about the lower-abdominal thing if not about the other weirdness. One can only hope.
…Yeah. Yeah, I feel better. It’s always worse when this stuff goes swirling around in my head and I can’t catch hold of it and take a good look at it. Sheesh.
—–
*I’m not sure I would call them “mistakes.” A mistake is spelling someone’s name with two Ls when you are supposed to spell it with one. A screwup is when you make the wrong choice entirely and you go boom on your face as a result.
Randomness
Now that I have a checking account, I have been to the Prosper site to try and set up a lender’s account. Everything seemed to be going well until I got to the credit check part, and then I flubbed. I did fine until the last question, which was about past phone numbers, and I paid attention to the seven-digit part and completely did not notice that all the area codes were wrong until I’d already clicked “Next.” Oops!
I have no idea what will come next, as the next screen was something about checking my credit manually. But if it isn’t meant to happen now, then it won’t happen.
Meanwhile this is the second company I’ve tried to sign up with in the past month that mentioned a mortgage in my name, and I think they were even for the same year. I’m sure it was a trick question, but I’m still a bit disturbed.
I finally got one of my refunds back from Columbia House. So now I’m waiting on the other one. And frankly, they owe me three refunds, but it will be interesting seeing if I get the third one, as they apparently charged me twice for the same video. I am heartily sick of them, and at this point am checking the account weekly to make sure I don’t miss canceling any Director’s Selections. At some point when I am a little bit ahead and can justify it a little bit, I’ll do what I can to fulfill my obligation and then them suckers will be gone.
I have had a very weird last few days healthwise. I ate steak earlier and took my vitamins and now I feel human again. Either I was anemic or I was lacking in nutrients generally. Bad scene.
Generally I am feeling… stuck. I’m sure the weather isn’t helping. It was gray all day earlier (I’m up late, not early), and then it sleeted.
I really, really need to get my arse moving on decluttering again.
OK, off to bed. I meant to take a shower but I guess it can wait. That’s the other thing. I am taking entirely too much time between showers. I think I get in there twice a week now. I have oily hair, so it gets gross. I need to start bathing every day, I need a haircut, and I could probably stand to start using a razor again. On the one hand I think it’s sexist that women are expected to shave their legs on pain of being viewed as freaks otherwise. On the other hand I have a skin condition that would be improved through shaving and it isn’t hairiness, either. Plus I would feel better-groomed. So.
OK, to bed for real.
Miscellany
Fun with PayPal
Soon after PayPal reinstated my full account access, I got a survey invitation from them about my account limitation experience. Rather like handing a flamethrower to a pyromaniac. The best part was where they asked me whether my questions had been handled courteously. On a planet where the proper response to an email is utter silence, I suppose they did. This, however, is Earth. I leave the rest of it to your no doubt amused imagination.
More pages?
Although I am focusing a lot on personal finance right now, this is not a personal finance blog. It is more a chronicle of my efforts to get my life back on track. (First I have to find the track, but never mind.) As such, I should probably put up a couple more pages about other areas in my life I feel need work. Look for that soon, if you’re interested and if I get around to it. (Another area to work on: Procrastination!)
Weigh-in
Is going to be late. I forgot to do it both Saturday and yesterday. Not that I think it will impress anyone, least of all me.
Major changes?
I have been looking at the job ads a bit more lately. Still debating fiercely with myself whether I want to go back to work (if I even can go back to work) and, if so, what that’s going to mean for myself and my daughter in the long run. The financial benefit is obvious. I’m kind of emotionally a mess about it, though. I wanted to raise her myself, and I wanted to homeschool her eventually; looking back, I can see serious gaps in my education that I would like to head off at the pass with her, and I don’t think public school’s version of “socialization” is very good for kids. So if I can avoid having to put her in a preschool, I will endeavor to do so. But it’s going to be interesting trying to figure that out.
Old friends
I figured out where one old friend from junior high is living now, although I’m extremely iffy about contacting him because we did not part on a good note and I don’t want him to feel stalked. I guess at this point I just kind of feel happy that I found him at all, and I wish him well.
Another old friend, this time from my days in the Army, has tried to look me up. Unfortunately, he looked on Reunion.com and I was not yet listed there. When I set up an account there a couple days ago, the site told me one person had looked for me. Yesterday, I got an email with some hints as to his identity. I plugged in his last name and the town and state they gave me and bingo.
I left a message on his Classmates profile, as I got a great deal on the Gold Member account for one year, and I hope to hear back from him. I’m kind of excited, actually. He’s in New York state, so a visit would not be out of the question, although he would have to come here, at least at first.
And that is pretty much what’s going on, in a nutshell.
